What is happening?

I think I got very old, very fast today. Here’s ESPN trying to tell me what happened in a soccer game.

Paris Saint-Germain superstar Neymar blasted the video assisted refereeing (VAR) decision to award Manchester United a late penalty in their 3-1 Champions League last-16 second-leg win at Parc des Princes that secured a 3-3 away goals success.


Great news guys, we secured a 3-3 away goals success. As soon as I find out what that is, we can celebrate. But hey, that’s soccer, I never claimed to understand soccer. Tell me what’s going on in football free agency, a thing I’ve cared about for about 20 years.

Keenum has a base salary of $18 million this season, but only $7 million was guaranteed in the way of offsets, which the Redskins and Broncos decided to split evenly, sources said. The Broncos, who would’ve carried $10 million in “dead money” had they cut Keenum, will instead save $3 million by paying only $3.5 million as well as a $500,000 restructuring bonus.


My God man, what are you doing? How is this level of salary cap information relevant? Who is this coverage even for? Anyways, the moral of the story is that I yell at clouds now, film at eleven.